colony house, columbus, and the closest of friends

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A hundred warm bodies packed into a tiny underground venue. A small stage before us, with four humans bearing their hearts and their souls to us through their music. Words that resonated deeply with my soul. Music that pumped through my veins. Lyrics that cut me deeply.

Last night I had the opportunity to see one of my favorite bands with some of my favorite people. I found myself that night, standing in the middle of the city I love with the people I love. We had discovered this band over the summer, since they were opening up for some of our favorite, well known artists at a concert in Indy. When we went to Indy, we were absolutely blown away by Colony House’s talent and performance, and we knew we HAD to see them when they came through Columbus for their headlining show.

I stood in the tiny venue with my friends, and listened. I listened with an open heart and ears. One song that I’ve listened to so many times absolutely wrecked me when I heard it live. The words hit home. And they brought comfort and peace I didn’t realize I was looking for.

Say. They say that trust it takes time,

that it’s a mountain to climb.

i think that I’m the reason why.

This summer and first semester has been a growing experience. I feel as though I’ve experienced so much in such little time. I’ve been torn at the seams and stretched to the point of tearing. I’ve watched as people have walked in, then hurried out of my life. I’ve lost friendships, I’ve lost my way. I’ve changed my whole direction for my life.

But I found myself when He found me.

I think I’m falling apart at the seams,

and it seems they’re unraveling as usual.

My heart has been wrecked and torn and broken and pieced back together. The lingering pain of a spring heartbreak. The dull ache of lost friendships and change. The piercing pain of regret. It all left my heart in pieces. Regrets and mistakes tore me apart. And I became weary of the burdens I carried.

That is where He found me. He found me on my knees, holding onto the pieces of my heart, tears streaming down my face, and a thousand, “Father, forgive me”s on my lips.

That is where He reached down and took my heart into His hands. That is when I gave this heart of mine to Him.

He is still putting it back together.

I’ve come a long way through His strength and power. But I’m still not there yet. And I don’t know if i’ll ever be. Heartache and pain and hurt is a part of life, and I’m still trying to understand that. I’m still trying to forgive myself and to let what’s behind me go.

Take me. I feared that love couldn’t take me.

I feared that grace was a maybe.

I feared the cross of my broken word.

I’m in awe that such a magnificent, mighty God would lean down to my level, and take me back. Bruised. Broken. Filthy. Rebellious. Yet He still calls me His beloved.

Trust me. You took my hand and said trust me.

You took my heart and said,

“love me with who you are and not with who you were.”

He bids me to look ahead. He tells me not to look behind. He has made me new, He has redeemed this story, this soul, this sinner. He continues to remind me gently that I am not who I once was. He has shown me through the words of faithful friends that I have grown, I have become someone new, someone whole, and someone pure. When I am tempted to dwell on who I’ve been and what I’ve done, He reminds me that that is no longer what I am defined by,

Why do I run to things I don’t want to?

What’s the problem here?

I found Love that’s been true,

but continue to unravel still.

I continue to be put back together and molded into who Christ wants me to be. It’s a journey. But my God is ever faithful. And He will not leave me unfinished. I will stumble, I will fall, I will run to a multitude of things before I run to the One thing I need. But He will come alongside of me and remind me of who I am, who my Father is.

Here I am. A person who has been broken. I am no longer defining myself by my brokenness. For if I were to say, “My name is Erin, and I am broken,” it would seem like I identified by my brokenness. And that is not who I am called to be. No, I will tell you that my name is Erin, I have been broken, and I am being put back together piece by piece by God, for His glory and His honor.

I’ve been waiting for  things to change in my heart again.
I’ve been changing while waiting, I’ll keep taking steps for You,
I’ve been changing but I’m still learning how to love.

So, there I was. Standing in a crowd of people and hearing these words circle through my head, “I’m still learning how to love, I’m still learning how to love, and I’m still learning how to love.”

And I am. I’m still learning to forgive others and to love them even though they’ve brought pain into my world. I’m still learning how to love myself. I’m still learning how to love the Lord my God with all of my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength. I’m still learning. And that is okay.

I pray that I will learn to love the same way He has loved me. He has loved me through my brokenness, through my pride and selfishness, through my times of doubt, and through my times of joy and triumph. He continues to love me, even when I fail and stumble from His path.

I am still learning how to love.

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