I’m always searching for the right words. I seem to be always looking inwardly, hoping that maybe by examining my heart and soul just a little bit more, I’ll find the words I’ve been searching for hidden in a cavern of my heart.
And yet, I never find the right words.
I have so many memories and moments I want to capture and freeze, so I can keep them in a heart-shaped box so I can revisit them when life gets hard or the days grow dark. I have so many sweet snippets of life that I hope to preserve for the future.
But the right words never seem to find me, or I never seem to find them.
Life is beautiful, right in this moment. I’m sitting across from three of my best friends and closest companions, listening to Adele’s newest song on repeat.
It was just like a movie, it was just like a song… when we were young
I know that I am loved deeply. By these friends, by other wonderful souls in my life, by my steadfast God. I feel loved and I feel loving. I look at my life, and I see love. I see a world that is preparing for the holiday season, as warm feelings mix with christmas songs in the air. I see people that make me grateful that I am alive. I see the seasons changing. I see myself preparing for a future that I have been hoping for for years. I see love.
Everybody here is watching you. ’cause you feel like home. like a dream come true.
I look at my life, in this moment, in this very second. And it feels like home. It feels like sitting under a warm blanket with a cup of my favorite tea, watching the lights on my family’s christmas tree twinkle. It feels like returning to my familiar little town after a long semester.
But there is a nagging in the back of my head that whispers, “but when will this feeling fade? When will you find yourself alone, afraid, cold, and broken hearted?”
This little voice latches itself onto the sweetest of moments, the best of memories. It’s always there, no matter how beautiful life seems.
It keeps me from enjoying every second, every breath.
I was so scared to face my fears, because nobody told me that you’d be here.
Perhaps it’s because I can’t bring myself to trust that good times will stay. Perhaps it’s because I know the pain of people walking away, and I expect it. Perhaps it’s because I have felt heartbreak before, and I know it’s inevitable. Perhaps it’s because my mind knows that life has as many downs as it has ups.
we were scared of getting older, it made us restless.
Yes, life has its ups and downs. Life has its mountain peaks and valleys. Life has its days and its nights. There is always going to be bad, but there is also always going to be good. So how do I combat this nagging feeling, this voice that tempts me to not appreciate the wonderful moments of life?
I combat it with thankfulness. It is hard to dwell on the bad, on the inevitable low points of life, on the heartache that is to come when I am being thankful for this moment, right here, right now. In fact, it’s impossible to be distracted by the bad that may come when I focus on the good that is right here.
I think that goes well with the season we are about to enter into.
So, for now I will be grateful.
I will be grateful.
for the people that are right here, right now. Distance and time may separate us one day, but right now I am grateful for their presence and unique roles in my life.
for the passions and desires of my heart. God might change them one day and send me in a completely difference direction than I am currently striving for. But right now, I am grateful that He has given me the desires of my heart, and that I am able to chase my dreams.
for the boy I haven’t seen in 3 months that I get to hug in just under two months. God may have a different plan for us, and our future may have a lot of unknowns and uncertainties since distance is already certain. But right now, I am grateful that I have him. I am grateful for and blessed by his support, encouragement, and love. I am grateful for the summer that we had together and for the times we will have together once he comes back home. I am grateful that his laughter and smile lights up my life.
for the best roommate ever. We may only have two years left spending every day together. But right now, I am grateful for her loving friendship. For her advice, her joy, her laughter, her artsiness, her talent, and her beautiful spirit. I am grateful for every silly moments we have shared, and for her endless support. For the light that she brings to my life on an every day basis.
for this place. I may be leaving in two and a half years, the future may be uncertain and unknown. But right now, I am in a wonderful place, full of incredible students and incredible professors who are guiding me to become who I’m meant to be. It is truly my home away from home.
And for this season. Seasons may change and come and go so quickly, but right here, right now, I love the one I’m in. I love the challenges that I have faced so far. i love the joyous moment that I have experienced so far. The weather is crisp and beautiful. Winter may be right around the corner, but I am holding on to every bit of autumn that I can.
Maybe these weren’t the right words, but they are the ones that I found. Maybe I don’t need the perfect words. Because maybe it’s not the perfect words that can capture these perfect moments. Maybe it’s the perfect moments that make the perfect words.
Let me photograph you in this light in case it is the last time that we might be exactly like we are.