oh, they say people come. they say people go…
and though you might be gone,
and the world might not know,
still i see you celestial.
I’ve not written much in these last two months. I feel as though I’ve been punched in the gut, and that the air has been knocked out of me… and I’m still struggling to recovery. I’m struggling to breathe again.
I’m usually one to have many words and thoughts to share, so much that i feel as though I need to write them all down or else I’ll explode. But lately, that’s not been the case. I’ve been uncharacteristically quiet and reserved, keeping these thoughts to myself and my journal that i keep by my bedside and in my backpack. I’ve been retreating to journaling a lot lately, where I can scribble out my muddled thoughts in the safety of pages that only my eyes see.
Last night, I flipped through the pages I’ve stained with ink over the last two months. Some pages are filled with angry scribbled words, some have pictures taped to them, some have open ended questions that I’m still listening for the answers to, and some have song lyrics plastered over them.
One page in particular jumped out at me. It was dated just a few days after I received the news of my Greg and Haley’s passing. It was filled with lyrics from a new coldplay song that I had listened to repeatedly that week for comfort and peace. I remember how strange i felt when I heard the song for the first time. Coldplay released it the day of the accident, which seemed eerily appropriate. I remember listening to it for the first time and how its words and simple musicality brought tears to my eyes. I’m listening to it now and it still feels like coldplay has stolen the words that i’ve been searching for.
So how come things move on?
How come cars don’t slow?
I wish that I could say that things have gotten easier as these last two months have progressed. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I’ve found that life tends to get harder as life moves on, even though I keep wishing and hoping that it will get better. The pain is still so fresh… I feel as though the wounds aren’t even close to beginning to heal.
But in the midst of all the hurt, pain, confusion, anger, chaos I’ve experienced, I still will tell you that I am grateful. I’m grateful for the ways that my friends have rallied around each other, supporting one another through this time of grief. I’m grateful for the friends and family who have stood by my side and supported me as I search through the pain. I’m grateful for the love that has been shown to me in the ways of encouraging friends, prayers shared, and thoughtful words. I’m grateful for a supportive boyfriend who has seen me cry and has sat with me in silence, faithfully being there for me. I’m grateful for God’s faithfulness and His provision. I’m grateful that I know that He is still God and He is still good.
I’m slowly easing my way back into writing, back into music. Last night I picked up my guitar for the first time in two months and I let music bring healing. I’ve been so afraid of sitting down at my computer and sharing words, and playing songs that remind me of better times. I don’t know why I’ve been so scared. Maybe I’m avoiding things that will make the pain sting a little more. Maybe I’m afraid of facing my feelings. I don’t know… but in any case, I’m trying not to run.
Life’s as short as the as the falling of snow.
I’m going to miss you, I know.
I am such a romantic. I try to find the beauty in every situation and create poetry out of every part of my life. I’ll rephrase that… my personality says that I HAVE to find the beauty in everything. I HAVE to find the good in every situation, in every person. And I can’t find any good in this situation. I can’t find the beauty in losing my best friend. it isn’t poetic. it’s far from beautifully tragic. it sucks. a lot. But God is taking care of my heart and teaching me so much through this storm. Yes, loss is ugly. Yes, it hurts like hell. Yes, it’s going to hut for a long time.
But I’m reminded that He is the constant in my life, He is good in every situation. He is faithful through all the trials and He is my hope and joy in the darkness. And even though I can’t see the good or the beauty in this, I hold tight to the fact that He is still God and He is still good.
So, I guess this has been an update of sorts. It isn’t getting easier, but I’m getting through it. I’m finding that I am a little stronger than I once thought I was. I’m discovering I am surrounded by so many loving people, and that I am so very blessed by their presence in my life. I’m learning that some questions don’t always get an answer. And I’m trying to accept that sometimes life is just sucky and ugly, some situations just suck and there isn’t much beauty to find in them… and that’s okay. It really is.
I will leave you all with the last few lines of “everglow” and tell you that it summarizes my feelings towards Greg’s absence in my life. I am continuously comforted by the knowledge that Greg knew how much I loved him and how important he was in my life. His light in my life will not be forgotten and will certainly not fade. And that is something beautiful and good that I will not forget, and that I will cling on to.
What I wouldn’t give for just a moment to hold…
Yeah, I live for this feeling, this everglow
So if you love someone, you should let them know
Oh, the light that you left me will everglow…