december, dandelion hands, decisions, and deadlines

If we’re suffering together, we’re not suffering at all.
if you just yell my name, I’ll come at your call.
and if those nasty people try to make you feel small,
i promise that i’ll kiss you, pick you up,
and make you tall

– dandelion hands

i woke up this morning in disbelief. how can it be december already? i feel as though it should still be october at least. november was a blur, with the highs and the lows racing by; there were times filled with joy and there were times filled with tears.

but the cold weather and gray skies tell me that it must be december. and the christmas decorations and cheery tunes and bells in the background confirm that the holidays are just around the corner. i’m feeling perhaps the least christmasy i’ve ever felt.

deadlines are stacking up alongside of the stacks of books on my desk that i’ve been collecting for my research project. i have so many finals and presentations and projects that stand between me and winter break. i find myself struggling to find the time to get everything that needs to be done completed. and even less time to spend for myself. so, i decided i deserved a few minutes to sit down and put together a playlist for december and write a bit. (you can listen to the playlist here – it’s full of feely songs, as well as a couple songs by my new favorite band – dandelion hands)

i’m transitioning into a season where i’m not sure what to feel. i’m feeling a lot. a week ago we celebrated life and remembered loss. a week ago i was surrounded by beautiful souls i hadn’t seen since last winter. a week ago my heart was aching from the pain and from the memories. a week ago i was so sure of what i was feeling. now i’m not so sure.

i wouldn’t call myself numb, rather unable to identify these feelings. i’m not sure how to describe the state i’m in.

so i guess i’ll wait and see what this season brings. i’ll be patient. i’ll seek contentment while i let life unfold into whatever it is going to be.

i don’t know if i have any real message for you, sweet readers. i’m not even sure what message i want to be preaching to myself and i’m not sure what this season will be teaching me. But if you find yourself in a season like mine, where you are unsure and uncertain what to feel, i understand. and it’s okay. it’s okay not to know how you’re feeling. it’s okay to seek the answers or wait for the answers to find you.

whatever you decide to do, whether it be seek or whether it be wait, i hope you don’t ignore this season. i hope you don’t become apathetic to the sparkling lights and the pretty things hanging from the tree. i hope you don’t scowl at those ringing bells in front of the grocery, or try to tune out the christmas music. i hope you don’t disregard the kindness that the holidays brings and the cheery greetings. i hope you don’t become jaded, so caught up in your searching or your waiting.

i hope you remember to tell people merry christmas or happy holidays. i hope you find joy in picking out the perfect gift for a loved one. i hope you take part in family traditions, no matter how cheesy or silly they seem. i hope you look for the magic in children’s eyes as the days grow closer to christmas. i hope you find a little magic yourself, whether that be in a new song or a shared smile or a beautiful friend. i hope you are able to be present, to look forward. i hope these coming days are filled with making memories, even in the wake of loss or hurt or heartbreak. i hope that you find what you’re looking for or that it finds you.

i’m sending you kind and good thoughts, as you take on the last month of this year. may we make the most of this last month of 2016.

wishing you and yours a happy december,
erin esther

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